Curse

Zamanee Jinn · Jun 04, 2007, 11:02 PM // 23:02

I wanted to make a thread where people can share their GW experiences through short stories. Me first (it's about an hour long battle i had in RA playing as a shadow form sin, some things thrown in, and much of it mercifully taken out.)

The Shadow
Kaede was an average elementalist of the air, and a devout follower of Dwayna and Balthazar. As she lay on the soft sand of the beach near the temple, she prepared several spells, and made sure that her signet ring of resurrection was securely fastened to her finger. She remembered fondly her days as a trainee of the zaishen order, and the repeated times that she forgot it. That won't ever happen again, she thought.
Jhoniel woke her from her meditation. "it's time" he stated plainly. he then muttered an unintelligible incantation, and she suddenly found herself on a beach near kryta. she had a blue cape now, and stood by her three new companions: a paragon named john, (he thought that the name john the paragon was quite amusing. nobody else did.) a necromancer named valerie, and a warrior who didnt reveal his name.
they approached the arch in the middle of the beutiful krytan arena. there they spotted a dervish, a ritualist, another paragon, and an assassin. they all looked quite typical except for the assassin, who in one hand held a necromancer's staff, and in the other, 3 daggers. this kind of assassin was becoming more and more common. it typically specialized in the deadly arts, but could not protect itself well. they all stared eachother down for several minutes. it felt like days to kaede.
suddenly, the assassin cast several spells and charged forward. the warrior engaged this one (rather foolish, kaede thought), while she charged toward the ritualist. there were already several spirits that had been summoned. protective spirits, no doubt. she felled the ritualist with a lightning orb that smote her in the temple. she was so absorbed in her spells that she did not notice a dervish in the form of balthazar who came from behind her and gave her a fatal gash on her chest. kaede fell over in pain, and looked helplessly back up at her before she sent the scythe down swiftly and gave her a swift and painless death.
she was now in spirit form. she found from her view above that her team was winning. the assassin used his signet on the ritualist, but to no avail, as john the paragon and the warrior made quick work of her. then the enemy paragon was under attack by valerie, john, and the warrior, while he was attacking valerie with the help of the assassin and the dervish. "res me!" she finally yelled, tired of watching. John took the time to do just that, while the assassin threw a dagger that smote valerie directly on the head. he then casually walked up to retrieve these daggers, while kaede came back to life. she realized that valerie had succeeded in defeating the paragon with a hex of some sort. it was then just a simple matter of killing the dervish with a blind spell and a few lightning orbs. after that, she realized that she had the battle in the bag. all that was left was some noob assassin with a some daggers and a staff, versus three capable fighters.
faced with these odds, however, the assassin didn't back down. he instead did a very strange thing. he laughed.
She started to cast a lightning orb, thinking this'll shut him up. but staring at him, she suddenly forgot how to do so. she was too scared. She tried to cast all manner of spells at him, but nothing came out. even her staff didnt work. her companions faced a similar problem. when the sin was done laughing, he flung daggers at her with such force that she was knocked down. she felt a poison coming on. the wounds merely stung for a while, but then she felt it.
a horrible pain swept over her, and before she new it, she was dead. she was completely disoriented by the time she was resurrected again. Her allies were unable to even scratch the assassin. he continued to laugh as he cut down the warrior in much the same way.
in the chaos, she and john bolted away. john had becomed poisoned in the earlier battle, she noticed. the paragon was leaning against his spear, barely able to hold himself up. His face was pale. He was soon unable to even keep himself up on the spear. "Help... me" he said weakly, before collapsing on the ground and breathing his last.
she was readying herself for using her resurrection signet, when she saw the assassin sneaking up behind her. She let loose a gale at him, which, to her surprise, succeded. as she ran away, she noticed him casting several enchantments.
then it hit her. he was using shadow form. that would explain it. she heard several assassins talking about it at the temple. it was a bold move, using that skill. she then formulated a plan.
she would wait for the form to run out, and then spike him. she ran away from the sin and the hail of daggers that he threw, and sure enough, it ended. she let loose a lightning orb, a lightning bolt, and a lightning javelin all at once, but to no avail. he seemed to be using some sort of cover enchantments while the form wasn't on. he quickly recast it and resumed his pursuit. she led him around the hill on which a bridge that led to a swamp started, and he followed long after the form ran out. she was able to keep him at bay for quite a while with the gale spell, but she knew that it was only a matter of time. she had to fight back.
she knew that the sin wasnt going to recast the form and risk her getting away, so she acted. Kaede turned around, casted one more gale, and let lose all the lightning orbs that she had in her arsenal.
before they wers sent out, she was knocked down. knives dug deep into her chest, and the poison was coming on. "where did you get such potent poison?" she asked, knowing that she was about to die. the assassin laughed again.
"signet of toxic shock, noob." he replied, showing her the signet ring as he activated it.

Storm Crow · Jun 04, 2007, 11:35 PM // 23:35

That was hard to look at, and I didn't even try to read it. First, separate your paragraphs with a double space so your readers can tell when the paragraph begins. Second, capitalize your sentences. Third, "chat talk" is not appreciated here, it shows that you could care less about your story, even if it is used in dialouge. Fourth, thought should be placed in half quotations. As an example: 'He's too powerful!' she thought as her body slammed into the ground. Fifth, try to avoid using parenthases when you can. They get messy and confusing. Sixth, spell out numbers if they are under (and including) one hundered. Finally, dialouge begins a new paragraph. Always.

Sooo...yeah. That's it.

Tally ho!~